Yes, that's right a race report from El President....I think Satan is
rockin some long johns this day.
Little disclaimer (For aunt Nancy)...I wrote a novella here...which I
think I earned the right to...so please grab a cafe or a tea, some
cookies (Crumpets are acceptable for the commonwealth folk)...dim the
lights a bit and enjoy my creative presentation of this race report. If
you are at work, take 15. I also lack any cool data, for answers of
such inquiries as to why, please read below.
Little to no consistent training, no form...(except for my butt
drastically failing the European form test and the doorway test..Ullrich
got nothing on me) being shelled after little, slow rides on bike
trials...I get this crazy idea that'll go do a Cross Race....to battle
for last place in the C's. That's right bottom of the bottom...it's
gonna be all mine baby. Everyone else there is racing to get form...I'm
racing to make the point I have no form.
Now please understand when competing for last place, one still needs to
train. DNF is not the same. No training only increases your probability
of DNF which defeats the purpose. You have to make some attempt to at
least be able to last in the require competition time. You don't place
when you DNF...you are clumped together. There is no 1st DNF and so
forth. So in order to battle it out at the back you need to finish,
meaning you need to have just enough training to finish...but not enough
to where you place well...call it the anti - thesis of the razor's edge.
Such training requires precision, dedication and balance between being a
sloth and an active person.
Training models and equipment to assist when committing to last of the
last: Pack on 20lbs of fat. Make sure work is so burdensome that you
spend at least every day of one full month, with a minimal of 13hrs each
day, in the office, insuring required weight gain, complete lack of
physical fitness and any free time you might have taken by loved ones.
(not that loved ones are in the way) Only start to consistently train at
most 1 month before targeted race. In my case I had about 25 days of
consistent riding and only 3 jogs in that same period. Prior to this
period I might get a week here or a week there. Nothing over 9 days of
consistent training (of any form of physical activity) and nothing over
1hr and half. I was also limited to what I could do because of healing,
surgery and trial of crazy jogger.
One will need a wattage meter...as a daily reminder of how much you
suck. Only ride the Cross bike outside a total of 4 times. The 4th being
the day before to "practice your dismounts". This will insure you
totally forget that it's normal to slide a bit in corners and to
navigate the best line to take. Ditch focusing on HR and trying to hit
"zones". Just focus on working on your pedal stroke and resting. That
way you have no clue and no structure to be in top racing form. Ditch
all group rides, causal or speed, climbing anything over 1000 ft and
consistent back to back 2.5 hr endurance training rides on the weekend.
Throw in a public company end of quarter close, some beers, more then
one's fair share of pastries and pizza. Additionally an LT test a week
before just to have documentation that you have no form and our grossly
out of shape. Some serious puppy park duty the week of (thus making it
very difficult to bike commute, your only form of training)....then one
should be a strong competitor for the hard fought title of last place.
Many men battle but there can only be one last place.
To help with the day of, there are techniques one can adopt in this
galactic fight. 1st, forget HR/ Powermeter CPU. This will make a
targeted, structured warm up utterly useless. Arrive about 45 mins
later then your planned time. Cut your overall pre-spin/ warm up to
30mins. Again, you need to open up just a bit...all to avoid the
dreaded DNF. Don't pre-ride the course, such knowledge will only give
you a disadvantage as you might plan your race and know what's a head of
you. Again, increasing your probability at not succeeding and holding
down the final spot. Make sure they do the call up while you are doing
your pre-race "relief". Such announcements are never clearer while in a
port-a-potty. The "relief" location and no knowledge of where the start
line is, will also assist you, by putting you at the back of the start
bunch. This will increase the difficulty to "pass" people and will give
one a hedge on last place.
As for my race. I did all the mention above with 110% dedication and
effort. Never so proud of my training and warm up. So I was primmed to
hold the Lanterne Rouge yet hold off the Voitur Balai.
I don't have Mark's cool maps (I know I totally suck) but lets just say
there is the back side of the rodeo park in which it was a bunch of zig
zagging / maze, the front side of the rodeo park with a sand section,
stadium stairs then back over to the zig-zag section. There are
dismounts located in each section.
The start whistle goes off and I make sure the single speeders get
ahead of me and shove me to the back. (While my internal monologue does
an evilish laugh to rival Dr. Evil...suckers I'm gonna finish behind
you..) Speeding through the back side...well above LT...my first issue
comes up..damnit I'm dismounting and remounting like butter...not to
worry....I'm sure I'll slip out on a corner and have no rhythm (hey I'm
white, it's more probable that this shall occur) in the zig-zag section.
And sure enough...I'm screwing up big time. Can't find the correct line,
riding the brakes too much, people are shoving me aside...beautiful.
To help in matters I'm getting a bit dizzy in the section...so many
turns...it's like a maze while crossed eyed...but I slog my way out and
over to the front of the park. 2nd dismount...like butter again...more
twist and turns, back to the finish area...an uphill dismount...butter
again...crap I'm starting to catch up to people...We work our way over
the sand pit. Thank god I'm in the C's these guys think they are Belgium
or something and try to ride the sand section. I yell at them to spin
faster....nobody listens...and sure enough they stall, I crash on my bum
shoulder...and it was awesome...it didn't hurt at all...thank god for
sand. I get up and run out the section, power through a mud section and
work my way over to the stadium stairs. Now my stupid strength as a
runner takes over and before you know it I catch the group in front of
me. I still have a strangle hold on last place but my grip might be
getting loose.
We drop back down into the zig-zag section and damnit I hit the
dismounts like butter again...worse...I'm starting to feel better. Hit a
straight way up the RPM's and pass 5 guys. (Why do I take such risk you
ask, cause I'm trying to blow up in a true flame of glory). Ah crap not
good I've lost my grip on last place. But I think to myself...I can't
have any endurance...these guys should catch me on the next lap. Move
over to the front and I run into your classic indie single speeder who
will be damned if I pass him. Beautiful...this guy will poop me out and
I'm sure I'll burn out and drop back into last place. (another internal
sinister laugh).
We hit the sand section, this time I get wise and I dismount before the
section and run through it...thus creating a larger gap between me and
my fellow rear enders. But it was worth it as I'm sure it'll burn me out
as this is the most sprinting I've done in 10 months.
Up the stairs again and indie single speeder is working me. We hit the
zig-zag section duking it out, I'm throwing poor efforts at this guy
just to push each other so I can pop my top and fade to the back. Get to
the straight away and I hit the gas. (Ah this should kill me) Dropping
him and a few others. It's okay though I'm sure he'll catch up and I'm
hitting the wall here... but he doesn't. I'm left with only working to
catch the guys in front of me. With the hopes of pulling off a crack of
Landis proportions. I'm sure I can do it and get last place back.
Around to the front section and the last lap bell goes off. Awesome, I
will now try to "push it" to make sure my blow up is spectacular and
thus achieved. Blizt through the sand section...okay now I'm tired...I
can feel it coming..up the stairs my legs feel like cement blocks...yes
lactic acid seeps through out my body, I'm just about there. I'm
crossed eyed. Over to the zig zag section...and the last thing I need to
happen, happens in true J Van Der Sage style.
I dismount and remountlike butter again...worse...I start getting faster then the previous two laps. Ah crap. I catch the 3 guys in front of me and drop the two behind
me. I then drop those I pursued. . DAMN! My stupid endurance is failing
me again! I roll across the line in *13th out of 21*. I can't even
loose right...stupid "just focus on my pedal stroke and ride a good
rhythm" plan.
Looking back I obviously trained too much. Next time I'll scale back a
couple of days. I'll also up my junk food and take off 5 minutes on my
warm up time. Additionally I'll make sure to eat fast food loaded in
saturated fat the night before.
Also when I get back from Europe I'm sure I'll have a lack of form... so
maybe a week after and I can pull off what only one man can earn...last
place.
Thanks for reading and all the support to get here
J Van Der Sage (my CX alter ego)
